I was in a foul mood yesterday. I mean utterly violently pissed off, judgmental and gross inside. It just happened to be Monday, and Quo Vadis? was planned for the evening....which made me even more frustrated. Why tonight, of all nights? My favorite night of the week. But God is gracious in the darkest rain clouds. I was fighting it so hard, speaking truth loudly in my head when any nasty thought popped up. Over and over again... and again... and a few more times. I didn't feel like I totally won but was I sure fighting!

It was a really fascinating night, a totally different group of people.

At 19.00 it started with two beautiful girls who I've never met coming in "... blah blah.. talking.. nice to meet you.. 'Jaap told us about this' (no clue who Jaap is)... blah blah.. two more people, 'we live around the corner'.. we're not going to stay though... oh okay... (two hours later... still there, having a blast!) and on and on.. brother of so and so.. friend of mine, sister in law, neighbor... It was the most eclectic group...

It's so funny how that happens... just when I try to figure it all out and think that I know who will be there and where people are at in their processing of faith and spirituality/God, etc... then I get it again. I am clueless. Absolutely clueless. And once I just accept that... well.... then I love it! I love the fact that God is bigger than my plans, that He always has the ace card, that He has things up his sleeve that I can never guess (I just love surprises). Believing in a God that can't surprise me, a God that I've figured out.... I couldn't do it. I wouldn't. The power, the bigness, the great mighty yet kind and sincere nearness of God draws me closer and mesmerizes me endlessly (even when at the same time it can be infuriatingly frustrating to not be in control).

And it was midway through the night, sitting at the bar, listening to Julia eloquently tell the story of Jesus as a picture of the love of God, like the love seen as a doctor serves an AIDS patient in Africa or the woman who buys the homeless newspaper weekly and talks to the seller... the love God has for me, for us who despite being rotten annoying not very kind or nice people, loves us. He loves me in my bad mood when I'm cranky for no apparent reason. And I realized again that life is hard and it's normal for me to be human and mad and cranky but in the midst of that God calls me to accept his love and to love others. And in the messy confusing act of doing that is where I know I am, where I am called to be, and where I hope to thrive.