i must remember...

I often have that feeling these days... usually thought and said with a panting voice in my head and screwed up fists, "I must remember.. this.. must... I have to... try harder... " Kind of like when you're a child and play around with the idea of moving the pen across the table with your telepathic abilities. Same thing. But way harder because so much is freaking going on and I can't remember and hold it and love it all.

Last night found me doing the same, sitting in my little living room on a white couch which I would never buy myself but which I love. I always thought it may be fun to be the kind of person who had white furniture. White represents the height of beauty over function to me and I love that.

And it was when Julia started describing the difference between walking toward Jesus and walking away from Jesus and somehow getting around to answering a question about the devil.... in dutch... to some of the sweetest people most hilarious fast talking people I've ever met, that I thought.... ahhhhh God, help me remember this moment, this feeling. And the whole night was like that as I barely kept up with the zooming conversation, hearing these women open up about their lives, their questions about faith, their fascination with Jesus despite knowing they don't want a relationship with him because it means he gets to have a say on how life is lead.

And I sat there and thought, is this my life? Is this what I get to do? This is the hardest more infuriating, exhausting, emptying 2 years of life I've ever led but I want it. I want it because I love these moments when I get to see people, I get to hear stories, I get to wrestle through how to explain what Jesus' idea of church was in another language to people from another culture, and I get to do it with people I love and respect. And I think Oh God, I really need your help because I don't know what the heck I'm doing even though I love it and want it.

Today is Ash Wednesday. Wow, it came fast. I usually feel like this day marks sort of beginning to spring, or at least the thinking about spring. Yet for me the fridgid cold, kissing snow, and frozen canals keep my mind elsewhere. I really appreciate Ash Wednesday and I am experiencing a small case of homesickness today as I think about friends and family heading off to special services at home. I miss the smudgy ash on my forehead and the "Remember you are dust and to dust you will return" spoken over me. And remembering that without Jesus I would not stand and looking forward to His death and resurrection.

I do still have some palm branches from last year, I should go burn them up and ash away but I'm too tired and sore from moving friends yesterday and it sounds like a lot of work so I will just sit here on my couch and try to take some deep breaths and not let this special day go before I've had a minute to think. Click here for a lovely article on Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent if you are interested.

I'm also still considering Lent, if and what I will give up. Oh and that reminds me that Allie mentioned that some years instead of giving something up, she adds something to her life that does not come naturally to her (ie giving some money to every person begging, writing encouraging notes to a different friend every day, helping at a homeless shelter, and on and on). I like that idea even though it will be just as difficult, adding something that doesn't come naturally, as refraining from something I adore.