i must remember...

I often have that feeling these days... usually thought and said with a panting voice in my head and screwed up fists, "I must remember.. this.. must... I have to... try harder... " Kind of like when you're a child and play around with the idea of moving the pen across the table with your telepathic abilities. Same thing. But way harder because so much is freaking going on and I can't remember and hold it and love it all.

Last night found me doing the same, sitting in my little living room on a white couch which I would never buy myself but which I love. I always thought it may be fun to be the kind of person who had white furniture. White represents the height of beauty over function to me and I love that.

And it was when Julia started describing the difference between walking toward Jesus and walking away from Jesus and somehow getting around to answering a question about the devil.... in dutch... to some of the sweetest people most hilarious fast talking people I've ever met, that I thought.... ahhhhh God, help me remember this moment, this feeling. And the whole night was like that as I barely kept up with the zooming conversation, hearing these women open up about their lives, their questions about faith, their fascination with Jesus despite knowing they don't want a relationship with him because it means he gets to have a say on how life is lead.

And I sat there and thought, is this my life? Is this what I get to do? This is the hardest more infuriating, exhausting, emptying 2 years of life I've ever led but I want it. I want it because I love these moments when I get to see people, I get to hear stories, I get to wrestle through how to explain what Jesus' idea of church was in another language to people from another culture, and I get to do it with people I love and respect. And I think Oh God, I really need your help because I don't know what the heck I'm doing even though I love it and want it.