I am always exhausted by the time Sunday afternoon comes around. The good kind of tired that radiates out through your body while gifting you with lovely memories. On Sunday mornings I get to do church. My experience of "church" over the past few years, I'm sure, has seriously screwed me up for life.

Church to me has become very messy oh so much fun. Especially since most of my experience of "church" does not happen on Sundays at 11.00 but all throughout the week with people who ask fabulous questions, say things that I promptly run how to write down, and who are ultimately seeking truth.

Yet Sunday mornings are pretty fun in and of themselves! Today I woke, took artwork off my walls, a plate out of the cupboard, tulips, and fabric and cycled 10 minutes to the building we rent twice a month. It's owned by a sweet Christian charity. The first part of set up involves taking down all the nice but slightly intimidating large print paintings of Moses or Abraham or white Jesus. Then out come the artwork, masses of tea and coffee, cookies, flowers, and music equipment. We have a stand up sign that is put out on the sidewalk (chained to a pole with a bike lock). Soon afterward, John entered with a large rolling suitcase full of kids toys that he's brought with him on the tram, and the musicians come in with guitars and drums they've balanced on their bike handle bars. Today even Manuel came with his keyboard. By 10.45 the kids area is set up, the coffee is hot, "Brown Feathered Sparrow" is playing through the speakers, and friendly people are welcoming at the doors.

We worship in Dutch and English while sipping coffee and tea (yes this plays a significant role throughout the service!). Today Julia taught on Jesus' encounter with the Samaritan woman and how we are called to help others encounter Jesus. It was excellent as usual but today's message was especially poignant for me. She spoke on how Jesus was a boundary crosser. He was always going where no one else would (a Samaritan village.. talking to a woman! Insane at that time period). And Julia, said .. "God is not afraid of people who don't believe in him... he's not afraid to go to them and engage them." That really hit me. Who is it that I'm afraid to go to, that I'm afraid to look straight in the eye? Who is Jesus calling me to cross over to?

And she spoke about how Jesus was a bridge builder.. how he was rooted deep in the Kingdom of God on one side but then he walks over a long bridge to love and engage winsomely with people who don't know him and then walks with them back over the bridge to his Kingdom. She concluded by saying that in the midst of following Jesus' example and doing the hard work of crossing borders, we are then asked to wait patiently. Wait patiently for God to reveal himself, for God to save. We get to take part but only God can be the cherry on the top which transforms the whole ice cream sunday.

The service is concluded with a mass "clean up" which is just as fun because as the music plays in the background, I'm sweeping floors and washing cups with people who are family. Finally as I lock the door and cycle away, I squeeze my eyes shut and try to remember it all. Remember it forever. Then I head home for a nap!

community

Sitting in my messy apartment with no one coming over that day (thus no pressure to clean), I was listening to a lovely music mix, thinking about a conversation I had the day before, and soaking in the sun. And it dawned on me how lovely it is to be in community. Not just because it's fun and life giving and Jesus was all about it or because I become angry and cynical without it, but because community gives me the permission not to try to be good at everything (which I can't be anyway). Being an oldest child, overly responsible, self critical, perfectionist is so hard sometimes. I always wish I were better at more things. More of a renaissance woman.

For example... music. I do not have an ear for music, not in the slightest. I enjoy listening to music when it's given to me, or someone tells me what's good but I can sit in a cafe and not pay any attention to what's playing (it's like white noise to me). I wish it weren't. I wish I had impeccable music taste like my friend Allie, I would like to read snobby music blogs (I think people who do are so stinking cool), I would like to be able to drum, or sing the lyrics to a song I remember from 9th grade... but I can't do any of those things and I know I'll never do any of those things... and I realize I'm completely fine with that because I know people who do instead. And I love hearing from Allie or Julia or Mark or the other music savvy people I know about good music and funny blog posts, or listening to amazing drummers, and laughing when someone hums an old school song. I will never be that, and why should I when I know so many people who do it so well?

Or why should I flip out when it takes me hours and hours to design a business card on indesign ... when I can email a friend who in a flash designs a slick map for the back of the card and I can just plop it in. And instead of feeling jealous (though I still do a tad), I think, "wow, I am so glad I'm in community".... where I know people who work wonders with adobe software or make the most sublime music mixes, or preach the most eloquent heart stirring sermons, or write fabulous articles on good theology, or spell really well..... or make the best popcorn. Um... never mind maybe I would like to learn to make the best popcorn... but then, maybe I wouldn't enjoy it as much! Ok, I'll let John be the best at that! As long as I get my weekly fill.

I've been applying to graduate programs here in Amsterdam. Is there something I can study now that would help me do something later that I would love? So, I decided to check out some graduate programs. I could go part time, meet new people, learn, be inspired, etc. Lovely Holland may even be willing to give me a grant or a portion of the fee to attend. Questions arise. English speaking? Dutch? Combo? I found out that I can follow a dutch taught masters in Art History or Comparative Art and still write my papers in English. Now that may just be the winning duo. As these thoughts have been on my mind, my friend Kelly came to visit and I tried to host her well in the midst of sending off applications, begging professors who I haven't seen in 7 years to write me recommendations. We had a lovely time despite the turmoil. I mean, it's finally sunny... how can you go wrong?

I did discover a way to give digital photos the essence of a Polaroid photo. Now that was a good find... except that it makes me slightly sad now that I rarely use my real Polaroid land camera, with photos that pop out on real paper which you have to really shake, no longer seems that novel. Oh the joys and heartache of technology.

Tonight I'm heading to Den Haag to celebrate Adrienne's birthday! What a completely utter joy it is having her and her husband Nic so close. When I am with them I realize what a gift it is to be with people you have history with, people with whom you can sit and say nothing or say lots and laugh about things that happened 10 years ago. Now, I no longer have many friends who I've known that long. Only a few.

This is a bit of a rambling post. But that explains my brain of late. I had a dream last night about my friends Tara and Jimmy's wedding. She was wearing a red and pink empire style dress, he was in a cream suit, I was sitting cross legged on the floor with my friends Brian and Lorah. Brian was holding Lily Zappin (a baby of a friend, who I have yet to meet in person), while the person sitting behind me was giving me an amazing shoulder massage. Oh the life!

Happy weekend!



"fake Polaroid"



"real" Polaroid

Easter love

So we planned our first baptism for today, Easter Sunday and then sadly had to cancel due to insane rain and cold... But that didn't keep us from enjoying the day and each other! I'll never forget this sweet Easter!

Sweet Pauline prepping dessert

Kelly my dear friend who flew in to see me Friday and the next thing she knows is whipping up a feast for 30+ people!

My living room on Easter Sunday! I love being the rain location! Super fun and always full of unexpected adventure!

i must remember...

I often have that feeling these days... usually thought and said with a panting voice in my head and screwed up fists, "I must remember.. this.. must... I have to... try harder... " Kind of like when you're a child and play around with the idea of moving the pen across the table with your telepathic abilities. Same thing. But way harder because so much is freaking going on and I can't remember and hold it and love it all.

Last night found me doing the same, sitting in my little living room on a white couch which I would never buy myself but which I love. I always thought it may be fun to be the kind of person who had white furniture. White represents the height of beauty over function to me and I love that.

And it was when Julia started describing the difference between walking toward Jesus and walking away from Jesus and somehow getting around to answering a question about the devil.... in dutch... to some of the sweetest people most hilarious fast talking people I've ever met, that I thought.... ahhhhh God, help me remember this moment, this feeling. And the whole night was like that as I barely kept up with the zooming conversation, hearing these women open up about their lives, their questions about faith, their fascination with Jesus despite knowing they don't want a relationship with him because it means he gets to have a say on how life is lead.

And I sat there and thought, is this my life? Is this what I get to do? This is the hardest more infuriating, exhausting, emptying 2 years of life I've ever led but I want it. I want it because I love these moments when I get to see people, I get to hear stories, I get to wrestle through how to explain what Jesus' idea of church was in another language to people from another culture, and I get to do it with people I love and respect. And I think Oh God, I really need your help because I don't know what the heck I'm doing even though I love it and want it.

Today is Ash Wednesday. Wow, it came fast. I usually feel like this day marks sort of beginning to spring, or at least the thinking about spring. Yet for me the fridgid cold, kissing snow, and frozen canals keep my mind elsewhere. I really appreciate Ash Wednesday and I am experiencing a small case of homesickness today as I think about friends and family heading off to special services at home. I miss the smudgy ash on my forehead and the "Remember you are dust and to dust you will return" spoken over me. And remembering that without Jesus I would not stand and looking forward to His death and resurrection.

I do still have some palm branches from last year, I should go burn them up and ash away but I'm too tired and sore from moving friends yesterday and it sounds like a lot of work so I will just sit here on my couch and try to take some deep breaths and not let this special day go before I've had a minute to think. Click here for a lovely article on Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent if you are interested.

I'm also still considering Lent, if and what I will give up. Oh and that reminds me that Allie mentioned that some years instead of giving something up, she adds something to her life that does not come naturally to her (ie giving some money to every person begging, writing encouraging notes to a different friend every day, helping at a homeless shelter, and on and on). I like that idea even though it will be just as difficult, adding something that doesn't come naturally, as refraining from something I adore.

Good morning! I started reading a new book over the weekend. Oh goodness, it's a fabulous one. Hits deep. It's by Eugene Peterson (yep, the author/translator of the Message). I'm always so thankful for book recommendations. I hate taking time to find books but I love when good ones are just placed in front of my nose (bluntly put, I'm lazy in this area). I have a couple friends who tell me about the best books. This one is from my dad. It starts out with a striking poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins who was my favorite poet in high school. He was my first introduction to a poet madly in love with alliteration, the poems hopping with tension. Here's the lovely example:

As kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies draw flame;
As tumbled over rim in roundy wells
Stones ring; like each tucked string tells, each hung bell's
Bow strung finds tongue to fling out broad its name;
Each mortal thing does one thing and the same:
Deals out that being indoors each one dwells;
Selves - goes itself; myself it speaks and spells,
Crying What I do is me: for that I came.

I say more: the just man justices;
Keeps grace: that keeps all his goings graces;
Acts in God's eye what in God's eye he is -
Christ. For Christ plays in ten thousand places,
Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his
To the Father through the features of men's faces.

The book concentrates on the living out of our theology which he calls "spiritual theology"... That the two words cannot be separated without being at an imbalance. Oh and yes, the book is naturally called, Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places. It was cheap on bol.com (if you're in the Netherlands), otherwise I'm sure you can get it for next to nothing in the US. Well, there you have it, my plug for the day!

I'm now off to prepare for my first teaching in dutch (eeek!) on prayer. I'm preparing in English then will translate it to dutch, I may figure out mid way that I'm doing double work. We'll see, I'm sure the next time will be easier. Ideas/tips are welcome! Which reminds me I also need to buy a Bible in dutch, so I'll stop by the bookstore as well. I keep misplacing the ones I thought I had. Then my day will hopefully finish with some mad quick graphic design skillzzz which will inshallah (God willing), produce a sign/banner of sorts for the entrance to our "non church" looking church door this Sunday. Here we go!